Are you setting up a goal or expressing a desire?

With this post I feel rather ambitious, but in my opinion it is a really important topic to understand who we are and what we want.
At the same time, for some, it may seem trivial and obvious, but to me, it is very close to my heart since it has resolved a lot of uncertainties.

I have previously talked about how our desires are formed, and how the path taken to achieve them is equally important.
Unfortunately, however, the real question that always puts anyone in crisis is not “What are your desires”, but “what are your goals?”.
Often and willingly, when asked this question, we feel almost intimidated because most of us really don’t think that building a goal is something realistic, but rather a hidden desire, the fulfillment of which depends mainly on the events, not from us.
And of course, answering such a question is not easy if we think that the goals are our desires, as it would make us feel vulnerable, especially if they do not come true.

How many of you can relate to that?

I myself, until recently, had no idea that there really were any differences between the two, and I never gave them too much importance until, looking inside, I realized that what I was doing with my life, and the value I gave to it, depended on my choices and my actions, as well as my thoughts. Therefore, I had to act without fear to really feel that I was living a life of value.

And so I started working on it, and I tried to figure out how to create goals, the main step to get something out of life.

This made me realize how far I was from reality.

First, how to distinguish a desire from a goal?

According to the NLP it is useful to follow this pattern:

S – Specific

M -Measurable

A – Attainable / Assignable

R – Realistic / Rewarding

T – Timebound/ Tangible

So just ask yourself some questions?

If your desire is to find work as an astronaut, then ask yourself:
Is any kind of mission as an astronaut okay? Are you okay with fixing the bathroom at the International Space Station like Howard from Big Bang Theory, or do you want to go and discover new planets? Do you want to be an astronaut in space, or just training is enough? How many hours of work would you like to have per week?

Then I would ask myself if this goal is really measurable, that is, to what extent do you think you can define yourself satisfied with what you have achieved? When will the achievement of your goal be evident to you?

Another fundamental question is whether that goal, for what you feel, for what you have lived in your life in the past, is a concrete and achievable goal. If you didn’t have financial problems, do you think you would be able to?
But even more, an essential part of this process is to understand if the goal is in fact achievable: do you think that with the economic problems you have you might not be able to do it? Could someone or something interfere with your goal? Do you have to find another job in the meantime? Do you have the time to do everything?

Finally, the essential question is that of time. It is here that everyone, absolutely everyone, fails, because it is when they understand how much all the previous questions are important when we relate them to time.

All the questions asked so far make you understand very well how a desire is really achievable to make it truly a goal, but of all the questions, for me that of time is the most specific, and it is the one that made me achieve most things.

At first, I was cheating.
I didn’t even notice that I was cheating. I kept pretending to have these bizarre and obvious goals, with a date so far away, that when that date arrived I didn’t even remember my desire anymore.
Since, “I want to learn a new language”, “learn to play the ukulele” and “become a dancer”, all these wishes are absolutely achievable. If you reflect in these words I can only tell you to do it and with joy, but learn well to distinguish desires from goals because otherwise they can only bring you a huge disappointment if you don’t reach them quickly.

I also thought I had learned the distinction between the two when I tried to start using this NLP method to become a web designer. I gave myself quite a long time to learn everything, I looked for a community that would help me reach the necessary milestones, and mental support, I bought courses, I invested time and I also made a lot of progress, but I forgot, or better, I deliberately left out some fundamental things. If my determination were unalterable with the passing of time and difficulties, because unfortunately the more a goal is far away, the more external elements and factors will come to get me in trouble, then undermining mental health and physics.

So I took a step back and looked at the things I’ve done in my life. All those goals I have achieved in my past life have one thing in common: I wanted them, they weren’t insurmountable, I did them consistently and without thinking, they were quantifiable, they had an expiration date, and they made me improve as a person.

This, I repeat, does not mean giving up desiring, on the contrary, you will often and gladly find that things will come to you before you even ask yourself all these questions, almost by chance, but it is important to know how to recognize the real objectives, and to be able to teach the little people you raise and educate.

In addition to this method, there are also many other techniques to understand well how to create a goal or even just recognize it. There are goals so ambitious that to reach them it is inevitable to have the work of an entire team working together for the same goal, and you often have to create micro-stages to keep motivation and mood high (such as to become Olympians).

Meanwhile, I want to say that the biggest and most beautiful goal I have for this year is regarding this blog in which we have a well-defined time, a very strong team with Antonella, and a great motivation.


The Unfolding of a Thought

Ok, I decided to start writing this post even though I have very little time, and I really have a million things to do. More than a post, perhaps this will be a booster post: short, intense and energetic. I need to really gather all my energy for this. All the positive and negative energies that I have inside me, as they are all needed!

Maybe I can’t explain everything exactly, but I’m sure I can explain how it got here. In Lisbon, with a new job and a new life.

It was February, under lockdown, closed at home with my mother, no money or prospects for the future. Resumes and rejection letters from all over. In fact, I had chosen to send my resumes on AngelList where they keep you in suspense for 1 or 2 weeks and then send you a detailed rejection letter in detail. I was rejected by 8 unpaid jobs, 14 paid jobs, and they didn’t even want me as a volunteer (because they didn’t want me to waste time looking for work).

Once I finished the jobs where I could apply I started sending them to Italy, where at least they don’t really reply to you, and although the ego is not to be fed, I think that at least I love mine enough not to ask him to stand there and take all the bull*. I mean, even the ego needs a little love occasionally. And so, of 42 resumes sent, I received one response from a job as a telemarketing saleswoman, at €500 per month on evening shifts that include the weekend, without a contract.

To say that I was depressed is an understatement because in addition to having no prospects, I also had the growing guilt that has been put on my shoulders by society that demands not to leave my old mother alone, and at the same time ask me to accept any job otherwise I’d be considered demanding.

And although I really wanted to be a good daughter, to show all the love I have for her, I had anxiety attacks every day, with the prospect of having to sacrifice my life in a place that never guaranteed me any right, where I would not be able to live alone, where I couldn’t feed myself, or be able to live independently. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn’t be able to be seen, and appreciated for who I am.

This blog, for me, was a real lifeline because I resumed past studies on NLP, and it forced me, somehow, to take back my thoughts and strength. As the director of my coaching school, Antonella Rizzuto, says in a recent Unicomunicazione post: “What you think is your world”, a way of saying that the map is not the territory.

And there I really sought my strength. I tried to accept my anxieties and fears, but also to dissociate myself from them, because after all I chose what to think. What I am I choose with the things I love, with the music I listen to, with the people I attend, with the ideas that I have of myself that are not still in a moment, they are not static, but are constantly moving, like thoughts.

And emotions don’t represent who we are, emotions are like a guide, and they make us realize if we’re really following our nature or if we’re stuck at a deadlock that we need to figure out how to unlock.

So, with a lot of courage, I collected every moment of lockdown solitude to try to connect more and more to the emotions that I relate to freedom and love.

Some days I spent hours alone in the terrace of my building listening to my favorite music and connecting to it while admiring the sky and trying to imagine myself in different situations while I continued to appreciate the present moment. I was looking for joy in admiring the sky, the freedom of birds in flight, and I was trying to remember what it feels like to feel free to be who I am, and to love me for who I am with all my limitations and vulnerabilities. I tried to let go of the idea that I could be everything. To be the perfect daughter, the perfect niece, the perfect cousin. I realized that I had only one responsibility to my mother: the responsibility of really living every day.
I can’t prevent the other things, I can only take them one day at a time.

And it was only when, looking up at the sky, I connected with the world, I remembered the 68-second rule.

Visualize what you want, down to the smallest detail, when you feel it can happen for a minimum time of 68 seconds.

If you’re able to keep that image undisturbed for 68 seconds, it will come true, or rather, the universe will slowly unfold it in front of your eyes in such a natural way that you won’t even realize that’s exactly what you asked for.

And this is how an insignificant opportunity on paper has turned into a huge opportunity for growth.

I’ve changed my country, and the city I live in now is absolutely wonderful. I have found a house exactly as I had asked it, I have met great people, and the job offers an incredible opportunity of growth that was exactly what I had asked the universe.

All this during one terrible pandemic, and with unemployment rate never as big.

My job now, is to remember who I am. A person with the faculty to think, and if you can think you can be who you want.


One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. Friedrich Nietzsche ·