The Unfolding of a Thought

Ok, I decided to start writing this post even though I have very little time, and I really have a million things to do. More than a post, perhaps this will be a booster post: short, intense and energetic. I need to really gather all my energy for this. All the positive and negative energies that I have inside me, as they are all needed!

Maybe I can’t explain everything exactly, but I’m sure I can explain how it got here. In Lisbon, with a new job and a new life.

It was February, under lockdown, closed at home with my mother, no money or prospects for the future. Resumes and rejection letters from all over. In fact, I had chosen to send my resumes on AngelList where they keep you in suspense for 1 or 2 weeks and then send you a detailed rejection letter in detail. I was rejected by 8 unpaid jobs, 14 paid jobs, and they didn’t even want me as a volunteer (because they didn’t want me to waste time looking for work).

Once I finished the jobs where I could apply I started sending them to Italy, where at least they don’t really reply to you, and although the ego is not to be fed, I think that at least I love mine enough not to ask him to stand there and take all the bull*. I mean, even the ego needs a little love occasionally. And so, of 42 resumes sent, I received one response from a job as a telemarketing saleswoman, at €500 per month on evening shifts that include the weekend, without a contract.

To say that I was depressed is an understatement because in addition to having no prospects, I also had the growing guilt that has been put on my shoulders by society that demands not to leave my old mother alone, and at the same time ask me to accept any job otherwise I’d be considered demanding.

And although I really wanted to be a good daughter, to show all the love I have for her, I had anxiety attacks every day, with the prospect of having to sacrifice my life in a place that never guaranteed me any right, where I would not be able to live alone, where I couldn’t feed myself, or be able to live independently. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn’t be able to be seen, and appreciated for who I am.

This blog, for me, was a real lifeline because I resumed past studies on NLP, and it forced me, somehow, to take back my thoughts and strength. As the director of my coaching school, Antonella Rizzuto, says in a recent Unicomunicazione post: “What you think is your world”, a way of saying that the map is not the territory.

And there I really sought my strength. I tried to accept my anxieties and fears, but also to dissociate myself from them, because after all I chose what to think. What I am I choose with the things I love, with the music I listen to, with the people I attend, with the ideas that I have of myself that are not still in a moment, they are not static, but are constantly moving, like thoughts.

And emotions don’t represent who we are, emotions are like a guide, and they make us realize if we’re really following our nature or if we’re stuck at a deadlock that we need to figure out how to unlock.

So, with a lot of courage, I collected every moment of lockdown solitude to try to connect more and more to the emotions that I relate to freedom and love.

Some days I spent hours alone in the terrace of my building listening to my favorite music and connecting to it while admiring the sky and trying to imagine myself in different situations while I continued to appreciate the present moment. I was looking for joy in admiring the sky, the freedom of birds in flight, and I was trying to remember what it feels like to feel free to be who I am, and to love me for who I am with all my limitations and vulnerabilities. I tried to let go of the idea that I could be everything. To be the perfect daughter, the perfect niece, the perfect cousin. I realized that I had only one responsibility to my mother: the responsibility of really living every day.
I can’t prevent the other things, I can only take them one day at a time.

And it was only when, looking up at the sky, I connected with the world, I remembered the 68-second rule.

Visualize what you want, down to the smallest detail, when you feel it can happen for a minimum time of 68 seconds.

If you’re able to keep that image undisturbed for 68 seconds, it will come true, or rather, the universe will slowly unfold it in front of your eyes in such a natural way that you won’t even realize that’s exactly what you asked for.

And this is how an insignificant opportunity on paper has turned into a huge opportunity for growth.

I’ve changed my country, and the city I live in now is absolutely wonderful. I have found a house exactly as I had asked it, I have met great people, and the job offers an incredible opportunity of growth that was exactly what I had asked the universe.

All this during one terrible pandemic, and with unemployment rate never as big.

My job now, is to remember who I am. A person with the faculty to think, and if you can think you can be who you want.

Luna

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. Friedrich Nietzsche · 

Dreaming
Receiving

On bad feelings and emotions.

Lately I wanted to get the best out of myself. Take every opportunity that life offers and take advantage of it without paying attention to anything else.

I was raised and educated to only pursue freedom and independence. All the other things that put a limit on my life, fits tightly, and I push it away, regardless of the consequences, feeling numb, as if I was disassociating myself from them.

I always thought it was a great achievement to be able to select the emotions I feel, and I started practicing NLP for that very reason and to be able to make the most of the Law of Attraction.

Because, after all, that’s how it works. 

Feeling like winners helps us to win, feeling happy, helps us to achieve happiness, feeling loved helps us to attract lovers. Overturning emotions instead, always leads us into oblivion, it makes us doubt ourselves and attracts all sort of troubles.

Only lately, for me, everything has been working out too well.

I got what I wanted, and all I had to do was just be able to disassociate myself from the penetrating and persistent feeling of fear mixed with shame, insecurity that I felt as I could not do more and be imperturbable against the adversities of life. 

Against the curse of C19, against a difficult family situation, against loneliness, and against the lack of support in EVERY field of my life (family, love, work, money and health). 

Basically, it can only be said to have survived thanks to good new friends and swimming.

Personally I tried to find all the possible techniques to conquer the world, and I also managed to handle them quite well.  I was able to achieve the unimaginable … seriously!

I have tried everything: Soka Gakkai Buddhism, Brahma Kumaris Raja Meditation, Richard Bandler’s coaching and NLP courses, Eriksonian Self Hypnosis, psychotherapy, sports visualization, Abraham Hicks meditation, Reiki, the transcendental meditation, vippasana, traditional and untraditional yoga etc. and the conclusion, contrary to what people think, for me, they all work!

They work to improve yourself, to improve your body, to get more of what you want, to see yourself in a different light, and also to simply recognize ourselves better for who we are, but on one thing they all fail.
They don’t teach us to appreciate negative emotions when we feel them. Furthermore, they do not teach us to look them in the face and accept them when they come like a raging river. And we live in constant fear they might show up at any time.

Of course, there is psychotherapy that aims at pulling out these emotions, and recognizing them (at least so it happened to me), but when you go to therapy you know you are not alone in your thoughts, so you don’t look at the emotion in the face when they suddenly show up … It is a different approach.

Often these ghost emotions are associated with the past, and are able to take possession of your present preventing you from even dreaming anymore.

For me, every time, this situation is traumatic.

Being very good at managing thoughts, having this great ability to carefully select emotions in times of need, and the luck of being able to visualize what I want to achieve, I am always petrified in front of the disruptive recurring negative thoughts, and I realized that the only way I have to deal with them is to give them space, to hug them and to make them feel welcome. 

Ghost scary emotions help us too. They, too, are there to make us better.

Without them, without fear, without anger, without depression and despair, only with joy and peace we would be automatons without any glory, nor satisfaction.
Too often I see “spiritual minds” taking refuge in “light” and “blessings” they don’t feel.  Too often they have a real fear of facing the darkest parts of themselves, the fear of recognizing their obscene sides and the shame of finding they are actually vulnerable.

But when we all are.
This, more than anything, is the key to unhappiness, and there is no Law of Attraction that can truly make you evolve in this world if you are unable to admire yourself in the most fragile moments of your life, and value it.

With this, today I take my fear, my insecurity and my shame in hand, and I carry it with me on my new adventure in Portugal, where many new challenges await me, and where I will probably feel very lonely, but where I will always try to respect me and take care of myself.

Meanwhile, I thank the sweet people who have been my friends here in Rome, and made my lockdown days more special, and my swimming team, PantaRei that taught me resilience and passion. 

Luna

Photo by Mateus Souza on Pexels.com